It's this beautiful
spring day. No wind, warm sun, mixed birdsong and flowers blooming in
the lawn. And I cycle between joy and misery. Accept and jealousy.
Surrender and anger. My heart, my body, my ears, my eyes are lonely;
it feels like a piece of me is torn away and that I will never be
whole.
A surprising number
of people are shocked that my husband has asked for a divorce and has
already moved on in the course of a week. I'm pretty surprised by
this, too. Maybe it has been a long time coming and I was blind and
deaf. I'm also surprised that we are both partially defining
ourselves through narratives that don't even come close to
overlapping. How does this jibe with Buddhist practice and insight?
It just doesn't.
I have some
preliminary symptoms of cancer. I will be going in for tests next
week. I don't like this at all – the tests are painful and I'm
chicken. I am not, however, as scared of this or moved as deeply as
by the loss of my marriage and the cold heart that I meet in nearly
every necessary communication with this man who I still love. This
cold-hearted treatment seems to me to be motivated by that he expects
the worst from me. There is no reason for him to think this way, but
he does and I have to deal with it.
...
And it has become
night. The heavens are amazing. Staring up at the stars, seeing more
and more of them become visible, as if they were shining flowers
blooming one by one on a black lawn. My son saw shooting stars when
he was here last week. None for me then, none for me now.
I know that what is
happening to me is the consequence of my actions in timeless time. I
wish my ex-husband knew how deep my love for him runs. I wish he knew
how moved I am by him, how poor this night feels when he isn't here.
And yet, how rich.
He is the only man in my whole life who has told
me how attractive I am. He is the only man in my whole life who has
let me know that we can take care of each other, that love is not
dependent upon anything else than the love in our hearts. What can I
do?
I go out and check
the stars.
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