I've had some wonderful days in the company of my daughter. She
reassured me, time and time again, that everything will be alright.
No matter what. She gave me Netflix and helped me carry sacks of
wooden pellets. She left for home this morning and today's zazen has not been
able to keep my nightmares at bay. I seem to need nightmares.
Tomorrow, the sangha will participate in deciding the future of Egely
Monastery. The abbot, my ex-teacher, my soon-to-be ex-husband, seems
to have made his mind up, but I hope there is another alternative.
Egely is my offering to this teacher and the sangha, and I am certain
that there is a way to continue.
I don't see how I can continue my work with Roshi. When we lived
together, the life of the monastery and sangha was the warp and weft
of everything we did. I would like this to naturally be my life, but
I am now alone. I hope for clarity – and I hope I have the strength
to go on, regardless of what happens tomorrow.
It feels so odd this weekend. Roshi is teaching in Aarhus and we would have spoken this evening about how it was all going. This is loneliness. Or is it exclusion?
The enso shown here is the trail of a snail on a pane in the door. A wee bit photoshopped, but not much. I am trying to let this inspire faith in the natural order of things. Trying, trying, trying. Breathing, breathing, breathing.
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