Panic before midnight

Panic attack before midnight. Haven't tried this before.

It's difficult to breathe, my heart is galloping, my stomach is seizing and I'm really frightened. Breathe, Mugen, find your place, here on the sofa, unclench your jaw, surrender to the moment, the universe does not want to hurt you. No-one wishes you harm. All is good.

I didn't walk out on my husband. True, I wanted to get away for awhile. I even packed; I was angry, hurt, loud, and stupid. But I stayed, I got my act together. I admitted that we needed to work on this relationship and that I needed to take responsibility for my part. This wasn't good enough, though. He was finished with me. No place in his heart. I was suddenly a stranger. He left me, wouldn't even tell me where he was going. How can that be OK?

How do I cope with the responsibility for all that he left behind? The house, the monastery building, the grounds, the cats, the hens, the fish, the plants, the heating system, the greenhouse. I am trying to take this one thing at a time but I feel like I am drowning. Just loading and moving 64 kg of wooden pellets from the shed to the furnace room is backbreaking; emptying them 16 kg at a time into the funnel takes a physical strength that I don't yet have. 

What will happen if I don't find a job or can't sell Egely? The whole financial side of this is overwhelming me. All he thinks about doing is coming back to get his stuff and get the papers signed. Today, he requested that we initiate the paperwork.

Every step we take towards the official ending of our marriage leaves me shaking and crying. I know this is normal, I know that I will get over this somehow. I would like to be able to protect myself better. I'm actually not sure of what that means, however.

This is the second time I will lose my teacher. The first time was heartbreaking and based on the fact that he pushed me away as a student. I used a year or so to gain clarity in this matter. When we fell in love, some time later, I thought deeply about the hows and whys of returning as a student. Once the decision was made to do this, we began to invest our energies into developing an integrated life as a couple and as a teacher-student.

There were challenges and we met them, for the most part. During kesseis, sesshins and courses, though, I always felt there was a conflict under the surface. I wished to just be his student and to pack away our marriage. I am at my most natural when I am in training – the joy that is inherent in my heart bubbles up and fills each moment. I hope this joy will flow again.