Lidt om zenmestre

Ligesom zen ikke er en filosofi, er de fleste zenmestre ikke filosofer - i hvert fald ikke i den gængse betydning af ordet.

Ved første øjekast, kan det være svært at se, hvad mesterens særkende er. Måske er det vægtning af en bestemt praksis eller æstetisk disciplin. Måske er det en særlig evne til at træne elever eller en vilje til at overføre zenpraksis til en ny kultur.

I ethvert tilfælde, kan man regne med, at mesteren ER en mester, i direkt linie med patriarkerne.

Det er et spørgsmål om stilen. Og, hvad den stil egentlig er, opdager man oftest først længe efter, man er begyndt som den mesters elev og har opnået en vis modenhed.

Mange elever har billeder af, hvad en zenmester er. Disse elever bliver skuffet, når de opdager, at mesteren er "bare" en mand, en kvinde, ikke perfekt, med eget karma. Andre bliver skuffet, når mesteren ikke "redder" eleven fra ulykker og farlige omstændigheder.

Mindful as an ant on its way, as the grass growing, as...

This morning I had a Disney dream, populated by talking ants and singing blades of grass. Existing for the benefit of all beings, they hoped to teach us humans the mindfulness that just naturally "is", when we let go of illusion, of the dualistic thought that anything can be separate.

Our "heroes", a married ant-couple, bravely set out on the road to California (do not ask me why!). Buffered about by wind and chance, they must survive in the cracks in the road, until the snow falls in big large flakes, giving them - and their children - a chance to slip away in safety.

They make it to Los Angeles, to the grassy field that was their goal. And at that place, the humans have arranged a seminar in mindfulness, a seminar that these ants somehow have instigated. Until the ants arrive, the seminar is rather theoretical --- lots of talk and things written on the chalkboards by the German teacher. All the students are sloppy, not caring where their coats are lying or if the coffee cups are washed. Once the ants come, however, all is changed - a new teacher has arrived and the students wake up to reality as it is, knowing just what to do.

Fade-out to the melody of the singing grass.

Knowing what to do

Today, after morning zazen, I collapsed while walking out the zendo door. Something purely physical/somatic - a "snap" I could feel and hear. Suddenly I couldn't bear my own weight.

Now: aside from the scrapes and bruises, it's like something has disappeared from me; a burden of my own creation has exploded - and I am free.

Now: I know what has to be done and can just go on with my life, with living.

I am thankful.

The penny drops...

I've been reading alot of accounts of how Buddhist temples, monasteries and places of practice are established.

And I can see - in most of the stories - that it is the sangha that gets it all together.

I've been conflicted for the longest time about how Egely should be established. And now I finally see that it must be through our mutual efforts of practice, of dana, of sila. Then this place will flourish from the combined energies of us all and be open to more energy. Flowing, nothing forced.

Earlier, I had figured on "if you build it, they will come". So, I have driven myself crazy about fund-raising strategies, our half impoverished state, etc. I have considered the commercial uses of meditation, the secularization of Buddhist practices in order to accrue building funds; I have been envious of those meditation teachers who exploit the practice for simply commercial gain, even though they ARE selling something they really believe in the value of (knowing that the world can be changed).

Today, I feel liberated from this self-inflicted burden. I will not single-handedly build the monastery, I will not single-handedly fund this project. Please, those of you who need to have a place to come to practice Zen, those of you, who need a teacher - Come! Build! Stay! Help realize the potentials of these walls, this earth, of (and for) us all!

And I - with all my heart - once again am thankful for the work of all of you that have been here and done the renovations, the building, the planting, the weeding, the giving. I hope you know that Egely is yours and I hope that you will return!

View from my window

In this one reality that we share there are so many views!

Today, I discovered one of the reasons why I don't feel secure about Eckart Tolle. There's just something missing. Maybe it's maturity. And maybe there's also a nagging feeling that he is giving people a "recipe" for reaching an enlightened state that really can't be reached by just reading words (unless you happen to be THERE, where the only thing you need is that last push).

And then, of course, there's alot of something, too. He just doesn't speak my language. I probably should be very thankful that precisely his words inspire people to dig deeper, see more clearly, and breathe more easily.

I guess I really have to work on this judgemental side of myself...

Teachers

I've been reading about teachers. About the recent hisory of Buddhism in the West. About Europeans and Americans who travelled to Japan and India to find a practice and a teacher. About the challenges ethnic Buddhist teachers have when their pupils are from the West, especially when they themselves move to the West. And about the challenges Western teachers have introducing Dharma to their own cultures.

One thing is very striking: all these stories I have read about those who are searching for a practice illustrate individuals who have expectations. Expectations to themselves and the practice, certainly --- but most especially: expectations regarding their teachers. I've seen it here at the monastery, too. An expectation that the teacher is "perfect" or somehow, that because he/she has woken up to Buddha's way and is "enlightened," that no mistakes can be made, that everything is totally clear. And, after all, "perfect" is based on our own judgements and ideas --- there is no perfect!

After a particular bit of drama, my own teacher, very affected by this singular chain of events, cried, "I am just a man on the Way! I, too, have my karma." Some of his students wouldn't listen, expecting some kind of omniscience, I suppose. Seeing this man work, eat, and rest every day, I have complete faith in him and the Way we are walking.

I have also read descriptions of how some teachers seem to propogate idealization by, among other things, letting senior monks and nuns "do the dirty work" or simply by not allowing close access. This is also part of a system of training in some traditions, so I suppose there is a real purpose here, too.

I am just very grateful that there are people, dedicated to the Dharma in such a way that they can't do anything but help us!

Mindfulness

This morning, I saw how healing zazen practice and koan training are.

Zap.

Healing isn't the same as getting rid of external things that make us suffer. Healing is "making whole again". Whole with everything, whole with reality as it is, including what seems to create suffering. And reality isn't what is going on outside of us! We are unseparable from reality. So, is it just our extra stuff, our judgements, our egos, that make us separate and suffering? And if we cut these off, and return to reality, as it is, free from judgements, from like and dislike, from good and bad, and are just here, just now, following each breath, unattached and free, will we be suffering?

This is why zazen works for me. Being mindful of each breath, there is no "extra space". Thoughts are stopped, no processing takes place, everything is as it is, and I know what to do. This practice is one we can take with us everywhere. Just be mindful, aware, alive!

The first days of Spring

Spring feels good. Here, the fragrances of pig-fertilizer mix with plum-flower and are carried on the breeze into the zendo and the house. The sun is warm, the wind still a bit chilling. All the early weeds blossom and stake out a home in the lawn, in the flower garden, between the paving stones, in the middle of the bunches of daffodils and hyacinths, wherever there is a spare millimeter of soil. All the plants would like some rain, but that seems unlikely, so Denko waters where and when it is necessary: just a bit of water to keep things alive, to start the vegetable garden... If we're lucky, we can feed you when you visit with asparagus, potatoes, tomatoes, bok choi, lettuce, spinach, 3 X squash, pumpkin, carrots, beets, etc.

These first days of Spring... My zazen is filled with questioning. Mainly about "letting go"- Spring cleaning? A redundant theme, I know, but it must be fully digested, it has soooo many faces! How can I live and train as a monk and even think about applying for jobs? Have I made my choices prematurely? It seems that my trust in karma, my confidence in "just-so" these days is not natural. My heart fills with joy and "feeling-at-home-ness" when I open the altars, chant, instruct newcomers, sit in zazen, prepare food; is it ego-istical to want to continue like this when we don't have funding to buy the food or clothes we need, to pay for water and electricity, to even begin building?

Buddha's birthday

We celebrated Buddha's birthday this year during sesshin. So, here's a snap from the family album!

Wow.

Just out of sesshin. Intense. Every sesshin is unique and no sesshin is ever a waste. This sesshin was joyful and I am grateful to everyone who has been here. We enjoyed the energy of the full moon and the coming of Spring, the time of Pesach and Easter, the totality of beings everywhere engaging the Way.

As the han-playing tenzo, I got to enjoy the entire spectrum of sesshin sunrises on my way from the zendo to stirring the porridge. Therefore I share these photos here!

SESSHIN!

We've started getting ready for sesshin here.

I always get a kind of hectic, anticipatory, joy thing going on about a week before we start. Never beforehand knowing how anything anyway will develop, these feelings are essentially without any meaning whatsoever. I'm just always grateful that I have this chance to intensify practice.

Be back in a week and a half or two. May true Dharma continue and all beings realize their true nature and live fully aware. See you later!

Dette øjeblik

Det er et naturligt menneskeligt egenskab at ville dvale i emotioner, såsom glæde, sorg eller vred, som opstår som en reaktion til nærværende betingelser uden at tage højde for, at "nu" er et resultat af forudgående årsager. Det er således uden logik at betragte nu-et alene som en genstand for fornøjelse eller tolerance og overser det som mulighed for at skabe fremtid.

(overs. fra Dream Conversations af Muso Kokushi, trans. Thomas Cleary)

I går løb mine følelser afsted med mig. Jeg NØD faktisk min vrede i et kort øjeblik - det var befriende fordi jeg skød ansvaret fra mig; det var et andet menneskes skyld, det var en andens dumhed. Det var befriende fordi jeg en kort stund kunne have ondt af mig selv, som et væsen adskilt fra resten af universet, uden at have "rigtig" med-liden med mig selv og derved HELE universet. Men allermest var det befriende fordi jeg derefter pludseligt så - virkelig SÅ - min grundlæggende angst for at være
helt alene
&
uelsket
&
grim
&
uduelig
&
glemt
og efterfølgende kunne udslukke den angst mens jeg gik på landevejen under stjerner og skyer, tilbage til zendoen.

Jeg kom også til at gøre nogen fortræd igår. Og de konsekvenser må jeg leve med. Jeg er dog tryg med det, da der alligevel er ingen anden mulighed.

Dette indlæg er hverken poetisk eller peger på stor visdom. Det er dette øjebliks ansigt.

Rice-cake

Life flows. During the past few days, things have been been kind of syrup-y.

Molasses.

Treacle. Caramelized. Sweet, slow motion. And sticky. So I baked a chocolate-coffee-cinnamon cake.

The light is returning, the days are getting longer, and there is this overwhelming sense of joy just flooding me, giving me energy. The earth renewing itself is always accentuated by the springtime. The smell in the air, the cold breeze carrying just a hint of warmth, birdsong...

I just opened "Moon in a Dewdrop - Writings of Zen Master Dogen" to this page: "A painting of a rice-cake does not satisfy hunger." Hmmm. At first, this statement seemed very clear. And then not. Dogen encourages us to understand the meaning of this with body and mind.

I don't think I've ever tasted chocolate-coffee-cinnamon cake because of hunger. Denko always says that we have to examine things carefully, word for word, to look at how we are affected, to see what things REALLY are. So, I guess I have my work cut out for me.

Zazen, zazen... (snap, snap)

What is really good about zazen is "waking up". Things that are unclear and troubling vanish - and the light just shines on through. The issues don't disappear, but they are certainly put in perspective. And the whole world unfolds.
When, for some reason, I don't sit on my pillow for days on end, I can feel myself slipping back into habitual, unreflected behavior. Oh, boy! Then I start to resist practice. I can see it all clearly happening, in some dualistic sense.

Dogen has said,

If practice and realization were two things, as it appears to an ordinary person, each could be recognized separately. But what can be met with recognition is not realization itself, because realization is not reached by a deluded mind.

Hmmm.

Happy sad

Today I feel miserable and scared.

It feels like I should be happy and dancing, but I'm balancing on the edge.

Letting go is never easy for this ego-bound being here. And, yet, I know that one less attachment makes living this life that much lighter and more tranparent. I say "there is nothing to lose, nothing to win," but am I really ready to give up on my hopes and plans?

Or, is it not giving up, but an insight into that these hopes and plans must be as fluid as the universe?

That THIS is freedom?

Inspired by blog-sisters and brothers: meeting the monk, gratefulness

I had once been convinced that it wasn't necessary for me to have a teacher or meet regularly with one. I still considered myself a student of Zen, though.


But, one day I woke up and realized that I wasn't "getting anywhere" (yes, I know we all can talk about the meaning of this!). I had over time gained a greater intellectual understanding of Buddhist thought, more knowledge of Buddhist history and culture, and more stamina in my zazen. But. Something was missing. I had become good at fooling myself - I was trapped and couldn't cut through. Once, I had excluded training koans from the realm of possibility. Now, there was suddenly nothing else that could help.

This was a morning in August 2000. I could taste necessity, I could feel it coursing through my veins, I felt it in every breath. I googled in desperation and found a Danish Zen sensei in the US and contacted him by e-mail. Please, please, please, what should I do?

He wrote back. He phoned up. He suggested we meet when he gave a lecture in Copenhagen some weeks later. I couldn't wait. My stomach hurt.

Walking into the dojo where the lecture was held, I saw him for the first time. The experience took my breath away and at the same time made me feel warm, secure - like I had come home. I recognized him - no more, no less.

Some months later, I formally requested to become his student.

It took me a while to learn to talk to him. In the beginning, I was awestruck. How could I discuss anything with someone, who has practiced so many years, who has become a teacher? But, by the time he became a master, I learned that he was an everyday, down-to-earth person. In some ways, more free, in other ways, still on the road.

Through the years I have loved him, hated him, been angry at him, been afraid of him, been touched deeply, been critical, been confused, been clear. Through this spectrum of ego-bound reactions, I have trusted him fully. The only request he has ever made has been that I demonstrate my true self in all that I do. His patience is abounding, even when it seems on the surface that he turns me away. He keeps me honest and I live my life more fully.

I am so grateful that I have this opportunity.

Min glade materialisme

Idag har vi købt en sofa, et gulvtæppe og et lille lavt bord.

Fordi vi rent faktisk ikke har en sofa og fordi det nuværende gulvtæppe er så slidt og hullet, at jeg ville blive nødt til at trævle det op og køb en væv for at reparere det. Bordet var bare en lille ekstra ting, som jeg dog længe har ønsket fordi jeg p.t. anvender et rullebord som stuemøbel. Og rullebordet er altså savnet, der, hvor jeg flyttede det fra.

Indkøbsoplevelsen var god. Det er ikke tit, jeg kan sige sådan. Men jeg kunne mærke, at HER var en butik, hvor salgspersonalet trivedes og hvor varene blev båret på en vis kvalitetsbølge. Og. Det viste sig, at det ønskede tæppe indgår i en slags bæredygtighedsaftale ligesom det lille bord er blevet håndbygget på et traditionelt familie-ejet værksted.

Gode ting giver en god følelse og jeg er taknemmelig for, at jeg har ventet så længe med at købe ting, indtil jeg mødte de rigtige ting det rigtige sted.

ATTA DIPA VIHARATHA

Dwelling in reality, we trust ourselves and the universe.

Dharma.

Grass, trees, and walls.

This past week, I have come to realize that my intellectual, rational, rooted-in- scientific thinking self continues on insisting that "it" is right. I don't truly trust my wisdom, my intuition, I subdue and sublimate. But, at the very least, I now recognize this mechanism!


Last night, during zazen, I experienced something that "couldn't" be (or could it?). Remarking this to my teacher, he smiled and asked me if this "vision" I had seen and felt occurred at a point in time he very precisely specified. I was flabbergasted. I continued by examining other experiences of late: my immediate perception vs. how I later chose to interpret these perceptions.

My first reaction has been to deny reality its very being. Having moved about in reality, "I" melt. Returning to this realtive reality, I come back into existence. Dogen says, in Bendo wa:

Although this inconceivable dharma is abundant in each person, it is not actualized without practice, and it is not experienced without realization. When you release it, it fills your hand - how could it be limited to one or many? When you speak it, it fills your mouth - it is not bounded by length or width.
All buddhas continuously abide in it, but do not leave traces of consciousness in their illumination. Sentient beings continuously move about in it, but illumination is not manifest in their consciousness.
The concentrated endeavour of the way I am speaking of allows all things to come forth in enlightenment and practice, all-inclusiveness with detachment. Passing through the barrier and dropping off limitations, how could you be hindered by nodes in bamboo or knots in wood?
(from moon in a dewdrop, edited by Kazuaki Tanahashi)

I bring my hands together in gassho.

Pictures of reality

"There is a reality even prior to heaven and earth..."
(Dai-O Kokushi)

It seems that many people who visit us here at Egely have difficulties accepting that there is this reality.

No matter what we call it.

The thought that the "reality" we as individuals perceive is a subjective projection of our thoughts, feelings, and psychological and physical state may be difficult to swallow. But realizing the ultimate reality frees us from being ensnared by our ego, making it possible for us to choose, at every moment, how we live.

Who wouldn't want this?

Ubegrænset sind

Jeg måtte starte dagen med at tilgive mig selv og håbe på universel tilgivelse. Bær over med mig idag! Vær tålmodig med mig! I dag er jeg fordomsfuld og utålmodig! Der er begivenheder og reaktioner, som jeg ikke kan få på plads og det forvirrer.

Jeg ønsker at råbe højt: "Tag jer sammen! I siger, at I er buddhister og følger vejen, men I overgiver jer ikke til jeres praksis. I læser bøger og hygger jer med at meditere og diskutere, men at realisere? Hvad sker der?" Mit hjerte siger, at jeg burde være glad over, at så mange tager det første skridt. Men hvordan kan jeg stå til rådighed for dem? Og har de mon overhovedet lyst til, at nogen gør det?

Alle disse egoistiske betragtninger, al den karma, jeg skaber...

Answering Senshin!

This is a special little altar on the kitchen shelf. I offer water, flowers and incense to Jizo daily and he keeps an eye on me (and the universe).

He fits in well with my tenzo practice, since he is the saviour of souls who have to suffer in the underworld. The qualities of Jizo are compassion, optimism, and courage.

This specific Jizo statue is designed by Jan Chozen Bays Roshi. He smiles alot. Right now he is standing under flowering forsythia branches, enjoying the icicles outside the window and the promise of spring.

What works for me may not work for you.

Training traditional Rinzai Zen koan training has given me insight that goes deeper(?), beyond(?) psychological insight alone or spiritual insight alone. And has shown me how I actually can not avoid integrating this into my everyday life. It's not just a toolbox, it's not just cognitive training or coaching, it's not just mindfulness training or learning to see through this construction I call myself, it's not just feeling the universe resonate. Although I now do have tools, although I now can see my patterns, although I now know I can see where I'm going, although I now see how my decisions fit in on a larger scale... and how I can't avoid being responsible for everything. I feel a grounding and a contentment that both gives and creates peace.

Oh, I'm most definitely immature in all of this. No doubt about that. Please: don't listen to me! Try it or ignore it.

Oh, Happy monk!

This practice brings me such joy that I want everyone in the entire universe to be doing it! I know, "greedy, greedy!!!!!" But I can't help it.

I was certainly afraid in the beginning. Of failing! I mean, I was good at accomplishing things --- and then this koan practice? I had to fight myself for years, somehow knowing that this would be the most direct path for me. But, maybe not really, really wanting to break through. Then there are no more good excuses. So I thought.

With a strong teacher, there is no possibility of "pseudo-insight", intellectual musings or psychological games. OK, of course there is, but the more I just sit with koans, the more I meet with my teacher, the more clearly I can sort out what is what --- and really take responsibility for it. I live more living-ly because of this and the compassion I feel stems from knowing what all this truly is and not from a "feeling" of thinking, "this is right, this is a pity, etc."

Winter living

It's really winter now! Like the winter I always imagine remembering from my childhood. Snowed IN! Lots of hours to sit, play with the cats, look at the drifting snow caught by trees, see bamboo catch whirling snowflakes.

And still. I have been so very busy today, one job following the next, just one step after another,

working,

eating,

working,

working ...

blogging.

Not at all considering where this is going.
THIS is living!

Taking care of stuff

Our wonderful across-the-street neighbor donated a tomato-plant orchard to the monastery. This was a whole new world for me: tomatoes in a rainbow of colors and a spectrum of sizes; some good for salads, some for sauces, some for pickling, some for frying, some for pizza...

The small, firm, tiger-striped tomatoes were my favorites for any and every purpose, and the plum-shaped yellow together with the plum-shaped red brightened any salad bowl.

I learned how to take care of the plants by watching Thomas. Because of my back, I couldn't pinch or water all of them at any one go, so I visited them a few at a time, spaced out through the day. I learned to love that pungent tomato-stalk smell on my fingers!

When things need taking care of, we take care of them. We just open ourselves up to their various needs and do these various, necessary jobs. We figure out how and when.

Like cleaning. I've never understood why some people don't enjoy cleaning. We get to practice awareness AND see an immediate result; we learn to ration our energy AND play with water!

Taknemmelighed

Hvor overstømmende det end lyder, er jeg så evigt taknemmelig for, at jeg må praktisere i dette liv. Alle dem, som er "gået" før mig har gjort dette muligt og jeg indånder alle deres ord og bestræbelser, ligesom jeg indånder alles ord og bestræbelser. Jeg lever mit liv gennem disse åndedrag og fyldes med undren, glæde og taknemmelighed.

Hvor utallige alle væsener end er, lover jeg at frelse dem alle.
Hvor uudtømmelige mine vrangforestillinger end er, lover jeg at udrydde dem alle.
Hvor umålelige Dharma lærdommene end er, lover jeg at mestre dem alle.
Hvor endeløs Buddhas Vej end er, lover jeg at følge den.

Am I polishing a tile?

Huai-rang went into the zendo and asked Ma-tsu: "What are you aiming at by sitting there in meditation like that?"
Ma-tsu answered: "I want to become a buddha."

Huai-rang then picked up a tile and began to polish it.

Ma-tsu asked him: "What are you doing?"
Huai-rang answered: "I'm polishing this tile to make it into a mirror."
Ma-tsu replied: "How can you make a mirror by polishing a tile?"
His teacher said: "How can sitting in meditation make a buddha?"

Ma-tsu asked, "Then what would be right?"
"It is like the case of an ox pulling a cart: if the cart does not go, would it be right to hit the cart or would it be right to hit the ox?"

Ma-tsu didn't reply.

Huai-rang continued: "Do you think you are practicing sitting meditation, or do you think you are practicing sitting Buddahood? If you are practicing sitting meditation, meditation is not sitting or lying. If you are practicing sitting Buddahood, 'Buddha' is not a fixed form. In the midst of transitory things, one should neither grasp nor reject. If you keep the Buddha seated, this is murdering the Buddha; if you cling to the form of sitting, this is not attaining its inner principle."

Mysteries

Since we opened our temple (and monastery) here, we have met openness, friendliness, curiosity, and tolerance.

We have received, however, 2 interesting, nearly anonymous letters - the second just the other day. Written like a mandala, around and around in the margins of an ad, that we all receive in our mailboxes:

Vestens mystik (Western mysticism)

Østens mystik (Eastern mysticism)
en buddhas datter (a daughter of buddha)
Hun tror på sin mester (She has faith in her master)
her og nu (here and now)
Gud har navn på alle Guder (God knows the names of all Gods)
Hvor sidder hemmeligheden (Where is the secret to be found)

His first communication was rather more ambivalent - something about Buddhists being welcome on our road, but not in his church. I was thinking that it might be nice to meet the man who writes us these greetings; we know he is Christian and elderly and lives pretty close by. And this morning, when I shook the envelope, a flurry of small, scissor-cut pieces of paper was suddenly scattered over my keyboard. And on one of these pieces of paper, he wrote: I would like you to visit.

The gate

And so I start here.
Nothing to keep me from going on through except ...
Except my own feeling of "can I do this?"

This is how it gets for me when I don't sit zazen, when I don't prepare food, when I don't sweep, when I lose my focus. I've been sick (cough, cough, gag) all week. So, books, tea, bedrest, and sleep have been the agenda. I also had the opportunity to really look at some of the stuff I struggle with. Sometimes getting the 'flu is like being given a retreat cottage in a deep wood.

I am grateful every changing "here-and-now" that I have the possibility in THIS life to be ordained, to truly give my life to this practice. I mean, you don't have to be ordained to do this, but, for me, donning robes was like coming home.

At begynde...

Jeg har længe overvejet om jeg skulle "buddhistblogge" eller ej. Så meget kan vikles ind og ud af "sprog" og jeg vil så nødigt bidrage til at skabe mere forvirring om "praksis.

Idag har der været sne og sol og store skyer - og megen blæst. Og jeg har siddet her.