Inspired by blog-sisters and brothers: meeting the monk, gratefulness

I had once been convinced that it wasn't necessary for me to have a teacher or meet regularly with one. I still considered myself a student of Zen, though.


But, one day I woke up and realized that I wasn't "getting anywhere" (yes, I know we all can talk about the meaning of this!). I had over time gained a greater intellectual understanding of Buddhist thought, more knowledge of Buddhist history and culture, and more stamina in my zazen. But. Something was missing. I had become good at fooling myself - I was trapped and couldn't cut through. Once, I had excluded training koans from the realm of possibility. Now, there was suddenly nothing else that could help.

This was a morning in August 2000. I could taste necessity, I could feel it coursing through my veins, I felt it in every breath. I googled in desperation and found a Danish Zen sensei in the US and contacted him by e-mail. Please, please, please, what should I do?

He wrote back. He phoned up. He suggested we meet when he gave a lecture in Copenhagen some weeks later. I couldn't wait. My stomach hurt.

Walking into the dojo where the lecture was held, I saw him for the first time. The experience took my breath away and at the same time made me feel warm, secure - like I had come home. I recognized him - no more, no less.

Some months later, I formally requested to become his student.

It took me a while to learn to talk to him. In the beginning, I was awestruck. How could I discuss anything with someone, who has practiced so many years, who has become a teacher? But, by the time he became a master, I learned that he was an everyday, down-to-earth person. In some ways, more free, in other ways, still on the road.

Through the years I have loved him, hated him, been angry at him, been afraid of him, been touched deeply, been critical, been confused, been clear. Through this spectrum of ego-bound reactions, I have trusted him fully. The only request he has ever made has been that I demonstrate my true self in all that I do. His patience is abounding, even when it seems on the surface that he turns me away. He keeps me honest and I live my life more fully.

I am so grateful that I have this opportunity.