Knowing what to do

Today, after morning zazen, I collapsed while walking out the zendo door. Something purely physical/somatic - a "snap" I could feel and hear. Suddenly I couldn't bear my own weight.

Now: aside from the scrapes and bruises, it's like something has disappeared from me; a burden of my own creation has exploded - and I am free.

Now: I know what has to be done and can just go on with my life, with living.

I am thankful.

The penny drops...

I've been reading alot of accounts of how Buddhist temples, monasteries and places of practice are established.

And I can see - in most of the stories - that it is the sangha that gets it all together.

I've been conflicted for the longest time about how Egely should be established. And now I finally see that it must be through our mutual efforts of practice, of dana, of sila. Then this place will flourish from the combined energies of us all and be open to more energy. Flowing, nothing forced.

Earlier, I had figured on "if you build it, they will come". So, I have driven myself crazy about fund-raising strategies, our half impoverished state, etc. I have considered the commercial uses of meditation, the secularization of Buddhist practices in order to accrue building funds; I have been envious of those meditation teachers who exploit the practice for simply commercial gain, even though they ARE selling something they really believe in the value of (knowing that the world can be changed).

Today, I feel liberated from this self-inflicted burden. I will not single-handedly build the monastery, I will not single-handedly fund this project. Please, those of you who need to have a place to come to practice Zen, those of you, who need a teacher - Come! Build! Stay! Help realize the potentials of these walls, this earth, of (and for) us all!

And I - with all my heart - once again am thankful for the work of all of you that have been here and done the renovations, the building, the planting, the weeding, the giving. I hope you know that Egely is yours and I hope that you will return!

View from my window

In this one reality that we share there are so many views!

Today, I discovered one of the reasons why I don't feel secure about Eckart Tolle. There's just something missing. Maybe it's maturity. And maybe there's also a nagging feeling that he is giving people a "recipe" for reaching an enlightened state that really can't be reached by just reading words (unless you happen to be THERE, where the only thing you need is that last push).

And then, of course, there's alot of something, too. He just doesn't speak my language. I probably should be very thankful that precisely his words inspire people to dig deeper, see more clearly, and breathe more easily.

I guess I really have to work on this judgemental side of myself...

Teachers

I've been reading about teachers. About the recent hisory of Buddhism in the West. About Europeans and Americans who travelled to Japan and India to find a practice and a teacher. About the challenges ethnic Buddhist teachers have when their pupils are from the West, especially when they themselves move to the West. And about the challenges Western teachers have introducing Dharma to their own cultures.

One thing is very striking: all these stories I have read about those who are searching for a practice illustrate individuals who have expectations. Expectations to themselves and the practice, certainly --- but most especially: expectations regarding their teachers. I've seen it here at the monastery, too. An expectation that the teacher is "perfect" or somehow, that because he/she has woken up to Buddha's way and is "enlightened," that no mistakes can be made, that everything is totally clear. And, after all, "perfect" is based on our own judgements and ideas --- there is no perfect!

After a particular bit of drama, my own teacher, very affected by this singular chain of events, cried, "I am just a man on the Way! I, too, have my karma." Some of his students wouldn't listen, expecting some kind of omniscience, I suppose. Seeing this man work, eat, and rest every day, I have complete faith in him and the Way we are walking.

I have also read descriptions of how some teachers seem to propogate idealization by, among other things, letting senior monks and nuns "do the dirty work" or simply by not allowing close access. This is also part of a system of training in some traditions, so I suppose there is a real purpose here, too.

I am just very grateful that there are people, dedicated to the Dharma in such a way that they can't do anything but help us!

Mindfulness

This morning, I saw how healing zazen practice and koan training are.

Zap.

Healing isn't the same as getting rid of external things that make us suffer. Healing is "making whole again". Whole with everything, whole with reality as it is, including what seems to create suffering. And reality isn't what is going on outside of us! We are unseparable from reality. So, is it just our extra stuff, our judgements, our egos, that make us separate and suffering? And if we cut these off, and return to reality, as it is, free from judgements, from like and dislike, from good and bad, and are just here, just now, following each breath, unattached and free, will we be suffering?

This is why zazen works for me. Being mindful of each breath, there is no "extra space". Thoughts are stopped, no processing takes place, everything is as it is, and I know what to do. This practice is one we can take with us everywhere. Just be mindful, aware, alive!

The first days of Spring

Spring feels good. Here, the fragrances of pig-fertilizer mix with plum-flower and are carried on the breeze into the zendo and the house. The sun is warm, the wind still a bit chilling. All the early weeds blossom and stake out a home in the lawn, in the flower garden, between the paving stones, in the middle of the bunches of daffodils and hyacinths, wherever there is a spare millimeter of soil. All the plants would like some rain, but that seems unlikely, so Denko waters where and when it is necessary: just a bit of water to keep things alive, to start the vegetable garden... If we're lucky, we can feed you when you visit with asparagus, potatoes, tomatoes, bok choi, lettuce, spinach, 3 X squash, pumpkin, carrots, beets, etc.

These first days of Spring... My zazen is filled with questioning. Mainly about "letting go"- Spring cleaning? A redundant theme, I know, but it must be fully digested, it has soooo many faces! How can I live and train as a monk and even think about applying for jobs? Have I made my choices prematurely? It seems that my trust in karma, my confidence in "just-so" these days is not natural. My heart fills with joy and "feeling-at-home-ness" when I open the altars, chant, instruct newcomers, sit in zazen, prepare food; is it ego-istical to want to continue like this when we don't have funding to buy the food or clothes we need, to pay for water and electricity, to even begin building?

Buddha's birthday

We celebrated Buddha's birthday this year during sesshin. So, here's a snap from the family album!