Ups and downs, day and night

It's this beautiful spring day. No wind, warm sun, mixed birdsong and flowers blooming in the lawn. And I cycle between joy and misery. Accept and jealousy. Surrender and anger. My heart, my body, my ears, my eyes are lonely; it feels like a piece of me is torn away and that I will never be whole.

A surprising number of people are shocked that my husband has asked for a divorce and has already moved on in the course of a week. I'm pretty surprised by this, too. Maybe it has been a long time coming and I was blind and deaf. I'm also surprised that we are both partially defining ourselves through narratives that don't even come close to overlapping. How does this jibe with Buddhist practice and insight? It just doesn't.

I have some preliminary symptoms of cancer. I will be going in for tests next week. I don't like this at all – the tests are painful and I'm chicken. I am not, however, as scared of this or moved as deeply as by the loss of my marriage and the cold heart that I meet in nearly every necessary communication with this man who I still love. This cold-hearted treatment seems to me to be motivated by that he expects the worst from me. There is no reason for him to think this way, but he does and I have to deal with it.

...

And it has become night. The heavens are amazing. Staring up at the stars, seeing more and more of them become visible, as if they were shining flowers blooming one by one on a black lawn. My son saw shooting stars when he was here last week. None for me then, none for me now.

I know that what is happening to me is the consequence of my actions in timeless time. I wish my ex-husband knew how deep my love for him runs. I wish he knew how moved I am by him, how poor this night feels when he isn't here. And yet, how rich. 

He is the only man in my whole life who has told me how attractive I am. He is the only man in my whole life who has let me know that we can take care of each other, that love is not dependent upon anything else than the love in our hearts. What can I do?

I go out and check the stars.

Mugen sensei's unbearable choice

Unwavering.
calligraphy by Soen Nakagawa Roshi.

I'm back!

This is my new situation: My husband, who also is my teacher (and, unfortunately, still my beloved) is filing for divorce. He has closed the monastery, which I (also unfortunately) own, and moved. I am receiving unemployment benefits for the next 4 months, max., unless one of the jobs I apply for pans out or my business, Indra's Net, takes wing. 

My heart is crushed. I dreadfully miss this man with whom I expected to spend the rest of my life. I can't afford to buy food, clothing or even heat the house I live in, from this month on. My physical health limits what I can do around the house and the property. I have no longer a teacher here that I can trust, no place to formally practice. My daily meditation practice gives me no peace.

So, life IS suffering, I am overwhelmed by dukkha. Samsara's wheel is being driven by by my greed and aversion: I DO NOT LIKE what is going on, I WANT everything to go back to WHAT IT WAS. I am hurt and angry. This person, Mugen, feels that all of this is really real and that I will go on hurting forever.

On the other hand, there was a full moon filling the heavens last night with light. The sun is shining right now and the frost has made a flowery pattern on the windows. My friends have rallied around me, showing support, coming with ideas about how I can and will go on. A wonderfully direct, compassionate and insightful Soto Zen master has helped me to see that I can do nothing about, as he put it, "getting dumped" or running the monastery; he suggested that I stopped beating myself up, that I give myself time to grieve, that I find and accept help that can get me through the worst of all this, that I digest what I can, as best I can, in my zazen, that I find a new teacher and a new place to attend sesshin and training. 

I examine these Three Marks of Existence,

• All compounded things are impermanent.
• All compounded things are unsatisfactory.
• All dharmas are without self.

 these Four Seals of Dharma,

• All compounded things are impermanent.
• All emotions are painful.
• All phenomena are empty, with no inherent existence.   
• Nirvana is beyond concepts. 

and the Four Noble Truths:

• Life is unsatisfactory, suffering.
• The cause of this is craving.
• There is a way to end this suffering.
• Practising the eightfold path will bring an end to suffering.

Sesshin after sesshin, koan after koan, life experience after life experience, all of these have revealed themselves, these insights growing deeper and deeper. Why, then, would I choose to ignore what I know? Why do I choose suffering over liberation?

Any number of friends in the Dharma have reminded me that I must have faith in the universe, that anything else just doesn't make sense. But how do I accept these changes with open arms and see my way through these challenging times?

The Third Patriarch, Sosan Ganchi zenji, wrote Faith in Mind Inscription. It starts:

The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences.

When love and hate are both absent everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction however and heaven and earth are set distinctly apart.

If you wish to see the truth then hold no opinions for or against anything.

To set up what you like against what you don’t is the disease of the mind.

When the deep meaning of things is not understood, the mind’s essential peace is disturbed to no avail.

So, all my answers are here and I MUST integrate them clearly in my life.

Mumonkan

Denkos oversættelse af Mumonkan: Hot off the press!!!! Helt fantastisk og vedkommende --- koans oversat af en, som intimt kender "hvorfor, hvordan og hvad". Ikke bare en sproglig korrekt række ord men dyb mening og provokation.

Bestil en kopi, hvis du er interesseret:
http://egelykloster.dk/node/247

2011!

The first day of the new year is now past.

It was my mom's birthday. She died 2½ months ago. But each and every firework in the new year heavens was for her --- she loved the brilliant fireworks that lit the skies at midnight. So, this year, I was the universe's eyes, ears, tongue, so that all beings could be a part of the celebration.

Mom died right before the start of our Autumn Sesshin. Just like my dad, 2 years back. And it was at this sesshin, 3 years ago, that I was ordained. Figure it!

In a sense, I'm a bit of a guinea pig here. If this was a traditional monastery, I'd be finished with my training now, ready to conduct funerals, weddings, and the like. But, a large part of my training and work for the monastery takes me out into the marketplace.

I work.

In some senses, I was quite prepared to bring my practice out into the world. But every single day, I am confronted with new challenges to my practice. And there are those days I wish I was bound to a monastery in the wilderness, isolated, chopping wood, carrying water, not uttering a word. I know most surely, however, that it is real gift to be out there, living and working mindfully beside my colleagues.

Life before and after kessei, August 2010

I had written this some months ago, after a long monastery winter:

This morning I was reading a textbook on Buddhism. Reading about Buddhism - for me - is very, very far away from "living" Buddhism. There are so many words and concepts! While I am certain that these are inspiring for others, this is definitely not my way.

We have just finished an intense period of training here, with people joining us from across oceans and mountains. It has been a time of challenges and meeting new perspectives. It has been FUN!!!

We have been - and are - actualizing, as we can, the words I had read this past Spring. Not by doing certain, specific things, but by doing all things as mindfully and compassionately as we can. Zazen gives us all a chance to examine this life and see things as they really are. And a true joy of life, in life, as life arises.

How lucky I have been to be able to spend this summer supported by people and practice. I am grateful for this life.

Falling off

Buddhist blogging and on-line stuff seems to get soooooo serious. At least, I seem to get caught up in these quasi- and virtual realities. Discussing practice is one thing, living it is another. Even though these are intimately related and are expressions of each other.

I ended up during the Christmas break spending way too many hours on-line, discussing all sorts of subjects on a Buddhist internet forum. Tempers got aroused - even some teachers allowed themselves to get drawn in to the heat of things. Easy to see that we all are just people... practicing...

One of my concerns about starting a blog (or even answering questions or commenting in a forum) was observing "right speech". Who is this about? What influence will my words and pictures have on people who visit? How do Bodhidharma's words:

A special transmission outside the scriptures,
Not founded upon words and letters;
Pointing directly to the mind,
Seeing into one's true nature and thus attaining Buddhahood.

fit with my even trying to formulate anything at all about Buddhism?

Anybody want to help me here?

Lidt om zenmestre

Ligesom zen ikke er en filosofi, er de fleste zenmestre ikke filosofer - i hvert fald ikke i den gængse betydning af ordet.

Ved første øjekast, kan det være svært at se, hvad mesterens særkende er. Måske er det vægtning af en bestemt praksis eller æstetisk disciplin. Måske er det en særlig evne til at træne elever eller en vilje til at overføre zenpraksis til en ny kultur.

I ethvert tilfælde, kan man regne med, at mesteren ER en mester, i direkt linie med patriarkerne.

Det er et spørgsmål om stilen. Og, hvad den stil egentlig er, opdager man oftest først længe efter, man er begyndt som den mesters elev og har opnået en vis modenhed.

Mange elever har billeder af, hvad en zenmester er. Disse elever bliver skuffet, når de opdager, at mesteren er "bare" en mand, en kvinde, ikke perfekt, med eget karma. Andre bliver skuffet, når mesteren ikke "redder" eleven fra ulykker og farlige omstændigheder.