Tale på Ret og Vrang

Jeg har skabt både uklarhed og smerte ved ting, som jeg har skrevet i denne blog.

Det har haft store konsekvenser, som jeg er ufattelig ked af. 

Jeg ønsker at bede jer, som har oplevet forvirring eller som er blevet forvoldt skade, om tilgivelse. Jeg har ikke haft nogen hensigt om at skabe smerte eller gøre det, som er ondt. Jeg har været blændet af min selvoptagethed og ikke har kunnet se, at mine ord kunne føre til misforståelser; jeg tog for givet, at alle, som læste mine indlæg, måtte kende til den bagvedliggende fortælling, som kun jeg i virkeligheden kendte.

For omkring en måneds tid siden, troede jeg, at jeg ikke måtte fortsætte som Taikyo Roshis elev eller være en del af Buddhistisk Samfunds sangha. Jeg troede, at alt var gået tabt, da vores ægteskab endte. Altså, at der ikke alene var tale om tabet af min elskede mand men også tabet af min elskede lærer, med klostret og sanghaen oveni.

Få uger senere, blev en del af billedet vendt, da jeg fik at vide fra Roshi, at jeg godt kunne fortsætte som elev og som sensei - at dette ikke var afhængigt af vores private forhold. På trods af min dybe sorg over, at vi ikke længere er sammen som ægtefæller, mærkede jeg et gryende lys og en snigende glæde. Glæden og lyset forsvandte dog lidt efter lidt, for at forvandle sig til stormende mørke og kulde. Roshi havde fået at vide fra nogen, som havde læst mindst et af mine indlæg, at jeg her havde skrevet, at han ikke længere var min lærer - og hvor jeg mente, at jeg ikke havde måttet fortsætte som elev, er dette blevet forstået som, at jeg ikke ønskede at fortsætte som elev.

Jeg har nu forsøgt at bringe orden i tingene. Jeg har bedt om lov til at fortsætte som elev, til at træne videre som sensei og til at tage ansvar for sangha og samfund. Jeg har bedt Roshi om at tilgive mig for at have givet anledning til misforståelser. Jeg har skabt mistillid og disharmoni ved at jeg ikke har praktiseret klar og fuldstændig tale og dette håber jeg på, at I vil tilgive.

Jeg er ikke sikker på, at jeg på stående fod ved, hvordan det kommer til at gå, men jeg har en grundlæggende tillid til, at vi finder ud af det. 

Jeg har tidligere skrevet om Roshi her:

Through the years I have loved him, hated him, been angry at him, been afraid of him, been touched deeply, been critical, been confused, been clear. Through this spectrum of ego-bound reactions, I have trusted him fully. The only request he has ever made has been that I demonstrate my true self in all that I do. His patience is abounding, even when it seems on the surface that he turns me away. He keeps me honest and I live my life more fully.

I am so grateful that I have this opportunity.

Jeg håber, at vi får mulighed til at mødes sådan igen. Forholdet mellem en elev og en lærer er dyrebart og det er så sjældent, at vi møder et menneske, som vækker den særlige genklang, der gør, at man helt og holdent kan overgive sig.

Gassho!

Gratitude to the snail

I've had some wonderful days in the company of my daughter. She reassured me, time and time again, that everything will be alright. No matter what. She gave me Netflix and helped me carry sacks of wooden pellets. She left for home this morning and today's zazen has not been able to keep my nightmares at bay. I seem to need nightmares.

Tomorrow, the sangha will participate in deciding the future of Egely Monastery. The abbot, my ex-teacher, my soon-to-be ex-husband, seems to have made his mind up, but I hope there is another alternative. Egely is my offering to this teacher and the sangha, and I am certain that there is a way to continue.

I don't see how I can continue my work with Roshi. When we lived together, the life of the monastery and sangha was the warp and weft of everything we did. I would like this to naturally be my life, but I am now alone. I hope for clarity – and I hope I have the strength to go on, regardless of what happens tomorrow.

It feels so odd this weekend. Roshi is teaching in Aarhus and we would have spoken this evening about how it was all going. This is loneliness. Or is it exclusion?

The enso shown here is the trail of a snail on a pane in the door. A wee bit photoshopped, but not much. I am trying to let this inspire faith in the natural order of things. Trying, trying, trying. Breathing, breathing, breathing.

Panic before midnight

Panic attack before midnight. Haven't tried this before.

It's difficult to breathe, my heart is galloping, my stomach is seizing and I'm really frightened. Breathe, Mugen, find your place, here on the sofa, unclench your jaw, surrender to the moment, the universe does not want to hurt you. No-one wishes you harm. All is good.

I didn't walk out on my husband. True, I wanted to get away for awhile. I even packed; I was angry, hurt, loud, and stupid. But I stayed, I got my act together. I admitted that we needed to work on this relationship and that I needed to take responsibility for my part. This wasn't good enough, though. He was finished with me. No place in his heart. I was suddenly a stranger. He left me, wouldn't even tell me where he was going. How can that be OK?

How do I cope with the responsibility for all that he left behind? The house, the monastery building, the grounds, the cats, the hens, the fish, the plants, the heating system, the greenhouse. I am trying to take this one thing at a time but I feel like I am drowning. Just loading and moving 64 kg of wooden pellets from the shed to the furnace room is backbreaking; emptying them 16 kg at a time into the funnel takes a physical strength that I don't yet have. 

What will happen if I don't find a job or can't sell Egely? The whole financial side of this is overwhelming me. All he thinks about doing is coming back to get his stuff and get the papers signed. Today, he requested that we initiate the paperwork.

Every step we take towards the official ending of our marriage leaves me shaking and crying. I know this is normal, I know that I will get over this somehow. I would like to be able to protect myself better. I'm actually not sure of what that means, however.

This is the second time I will lose my teacher. The first time was heartbreaking and based on the fact that he pushed me away as a student. I used a year or so to gain clarity in this matter. When we fell in love, some time later, I thought deeply about the hows and whys of returning as a student. Once the decision was made to do this, we began to invest our energies into developing an integrated life as a couple and as a teacher-student.

There were challenges and we met them, for the most part. During kesseis, sesshins and courses, though, I always felt there was a conflict under the surface. I wished to just be his student and to pack away our marriage. I am at my most natural when I am in training – the joy that is inherent in my heart bubbles up and fills each moment. I hope this joy will flow again.

Ups and downs, day and night

It's this beautiful spring day. No wind, warm sun, mixed birdsong and flowers blooming in the lawn. And I cycle between joy and misery. Accept and jealousy. Surrender and anger. My heart, my body, my ears, my eyes are lonely; it feels like a piece of me is torn away and that I will never be whole.

A surprising number of people are shocked that my husband has asked for a divorce and has already moved on in the course of a week. I'm pretty surprised by this, too. Maybe it has been a long time coming and I was blind and deaf. I'm also surprised that we are both partially defining ourselves through narratives that don't even come close to overlapping. How does this jibe with Buddhist practice and insight? It just doesn't.

I have some preliminary symptoms of cancer. I will be going in for tests next week. I don't like this at all – the tests are painful and I'm chicken. I am not, however, as scared of this or moved as deeply as by the loss of my marriage and the cold heart that I meet in nearly every necessary communication with this man who I still love. This cold-hearted treatment seems to me to be motivated by that he expects the worst from me. There is no reason for him to think this way, but he does and I have to deal with it.

...

And it has become night. The heavens are amazing. Staring up at the stars, seeing more and more of them become visible, as if they were shining flowers blooming one by one on a black lawn. My son saw shooting stars when he was here last week. None for me then, none for me now.

I know that what is happening to me is the consequence of my actions in timeless time. I wish my ex-husband knew how deep my love for him runs. I wish he knew how moved I am by him, how poor this night feels when he isn't here. And yet, how rich. 

He is the only man in my whole life who has told me how attractive I am. He is the only man in my whole life who has let me know that we can take care of each other, that love is not dependent upon anything else than the love in our hearts. What can I do?

I go out and check the stars.

Mugen sensei's unbearable choice

Unwavering.
calligraphy by Soen Nakagawa Roshi.

I'm back!

This is my new situation: My husband, who also is my teacher (and, unfortunately, still my beloved) is filing for divorce. He has closed the monastery, which I (also unfortunately) own, and moved. I am receiving unemployment benefits for the next 4 months, max., unless one of the jobs I apply for pans out or my business, Indra's Net, takes wing. 

My heart is crushed. I dreadfully miss this man with whom I expected to spend the rest of my life. I can't afford to buy food, clothing or even heat the house I live in, from this month on. My physical health limits what I can do around the house and the property. I have no longer a teacher here that I can trust, no place to formally practice. My daily meditation practice gives me no peace.

So, life IS suffering, I am overwhelmed by dukkha. Samsara's wheel is being driven by by my greed and aversion: I DO NOT LIKE what is going on, I WANT everything to go back to WHAT IT WAS. I am hurt and angry. This person, Mugen, feels that all of this is really real and that I will go on hurting forever.

On the other hand, there was a full moon filling the heavens last night with light. The sun is shining right now and the frost has made a flowery pattern on the windows. My friends have rallied around me, showing support, coming with ideas about how I can and will go on. A wonderfully direct, compassionate and insightful Soto Zen master has helped me to see that I can do nothing about, as he put it, "getting dumped" or running the monastery; he suggested that I stopped beating myself up, that I give myself time to grieve, that I find and accept help that can get me through the worst of all this, that I digest what I can, as best I can, in my zazen, that I find a new teacher and a new place to attend sesshin and training. 

I examine these Three Marks of Existence,

• All compounded things are impermanent.
• All compounded things are unsatisfactory.
• All dharmas are without self.

 these Four Seals of Dharma,

• All compounded things are impermanent.
• All emotions are painful.
• All phenomena are empty, with no inherent existence.   
• Nirvana is beyond concepts. 

and the Four Noble Truths:

• Life is unsatisfactory, suffering.
• The cause of this is craving.
• There is a way to end this suffering.
• Practising the eightfold path will bring an end to suffering.

Sesshin after sesshin, koan after koan, life experience after life experience, all of these have revealed themselves, these insights growing deeper and deeper. Why, then, would I choose to ignore what I know? Why do I choose suffering over liberation?

Any number of friends in the Dharma have reminded me that I must have faith in the universe, that anything else just doesn't make sense. But how do I accept these changes with open arms and see my way through these challenging times?

The Third Patriarch, Sosan Ganchi zenji, wrote Faith in Mind Inscription. It starts:

The great way is not difficult for those who have no preferences.

When love and hate are both absent everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction however and heaven and earth are set distinctly apart.

If you wish to see the truth then hold no opinions for or against anything.

To set up what you like against what you don’t is the disease of the mind.

When the deep meaning of things is not understood, the mind’s essential peace is disturbed to no avail.

So, all my answers are here and I MUST integrate them clearly in my life.

Mumonkan

Denkos oversættelse af Mumonkan: Hot off the press!!!! Helt fantastisk og vedkommende --- koans oversat af en, som intimt kender "hvorfor, hvordan og hvad". Ikke bare en sproglig korrekt række ord men dyb mening og provokation.

Bestil en kopi, hvis du er interesseret:
http://egelykloster.dk/node/247

2011!

The first day of the new year is now past.

It was my mom's birthday. She died 2½ months ago. But each and every firework in the new year heavens was for her --- she loved the brilliant fireworks that lit the skies at midnight. So, this year, I was the universe's eyes, ears, tongue, so that all beings could be a part of the celebration.

Mom died right before the start of our Autumn Sesshin. Just like my dad, 2 years back. And it was at this sesshin, 3 years ago, that I was ordained. Figure it!

In a sense, I'm a bit of a guinea pig here. If this was a traditional monastery, I'd be finished with my training now, ready to conduct funerals, weddings, and the like. But, a large part of my training and work for the monastery takes me out into the marketplace.

I work.

In some senses, I was quite prepared to bring my practice out into the world. But every single day, I am confronted with new challenges to my practice. And there are those days I wish I was bound to a monastery in the wilderness, isolated, chopping wood, carrying water, not uttering a word. I know most surely, however, that it is real gift to be out there, living and working mindfully beside my colleagues.